I often ask myself, “What kind of leader do you want to be, Lauren?” My answer: The type of leader I always needed. That is the sentiment I share in my book The Leader Inside.

As I was walking out of my high school office yesterday, I heard a familiar voice say, “Lauren, I left three examples of student work from the lesson you observed the other day!”

I turned around and met eyes with a veteran teacher who was eager to share the work his students produced from a choice board he had thoughtfully implemented. There was an excitement in his voice that I recognized was new in this particular exchange.

As I walked to a classroom to observe a new teacher in my department, that moment replayed in my mind. There was something special about the interaction. Perhaps it was because we had already completed his formal observation cycle, and despite the formality of the write-up, he still wanted to continue the dialogue about student learning. Or maybe it was the fact that it had taken us a few years to build this level of openness and mutual trust. Our conversations had grown over time, not because of any forced connection, but because genuine curiosity had taken root.

As I reflected, one question lingered: What changed?

In his best-selling book Unreasonable Hospitality, Will Guidara writes, “Without exception, no matter what you do, you can make a difference in someone’s life. You must be able to name for yourself why your work matters. And if you are a leader, you need to encourage everyone on your team to do the same” (p.99). That statement captured the heart of my journey not only with this particular teacher, but with others too—it made me think that perhaps what had truly shifted was the deepening of curiosity in both of us, creating space for connection and growth.

Perhaps it is time that strengthens relationships.

I’m not the same leader I was a few years ago when I first met this teacher. Building relationships requires patience, but also the willingness to be curious about others—to invest in their growth, their challenges, and their successes. 

Time provides space between what was, what is, and what will be. It requires patient leadership to live within that space and be comfortable with the discomfort that may exist in between.

When I reflected further about the shift in our interactions I discovered that the true impact of the exchange was grounded in the ideas of leading through a coaching mindset which you can read more about HERE. 

It was the Curious Coaching Conversations during the observation process that brought us to this place. For me, observations are far more than a box to check off a “to-do” list. They offer an opportunity to focus deeply on teaching and learning, helping to build our collective capacity to approach the heart of education: learning with passion and purpose. After all, isn’t that why we’re here?

Before, during, and after an observation, I lean into my instructional coaching background to guide the process. Leading through a lens of curiosity allows for growth-focused, in-the-moment feedback, which has proven to be far more effective than waiting until after the lesson. Having a coaching conversation creates an opportunity to become thought partners, sparking reflection and opening up new avenues for exploration. Teachers feel supported in exploring their practice, experimenting with new strategies, and refining their approach in real-time. This kind of curiosity-driven collaboration fosters trust, invites deeper engagement, and encourages a continuous cycle of learning for both the teacher and the coach.

Before the Lesson Curious Coaching Questions:

Focus on student learning: “What do you want your students to learn?” centers the conversation on the primary goal—student outcomes—keeping the lesson grounded in purpose.

Growth-oriented: “Why is this important for their social, emotional, and intellectual growth?” addresses the broader scope of learning, connecting academic content with holistic student development.

Standards alignment: “What priority standard are you addressing?” ensures that the lesson is tied to curriculum expectations, reinforcing the importance of meeting educational standards.

Assessment pathways: “What assessment pathways will you use for students to demonstrate their learning?” prompts the teacher to think about how students will show their understanding and how this will be measured.

Self-assessment and learning targets: “How will your students and you know they’ve met their learning targets?” encourages clarity on success criteria, empowering both students and teachers to track progress.

District alignment: “How does this learning experience align with the mission and vision of our district?” ties the lesson to the larger educational goals of the school system, reinforcing a shared direction and purpose.

These questions not only guide planning but also encourage deeper reflection on purpose, strategy, and student-centered learning. They send a message that the teacher and leader are in this together while encouraging curiosity and exploration.

Suggesting Resources

After framing the conversation with curiosity, I often offer resources to support the planning process. For this lesson, I suggested some examples of choice boards inspired by Catlin Tucker’s work and provided a one-pager with key district documents and content area standards to guide his planning. I also shared Magic School AI’s rubric generator function to create a 2-point rubric, which would help students understand the expectations for proficiency and mastery. I explained that I don’t understand rubrics that focus on what students should not be doing—it’s more important to guide them toward what success looks like.

Sharing these resources isn’t about giving answers; it’s about nurturing curiosity and supporting the teacher’s process in finding what works best for their students. It’s also about showing teachers that, while we may not have our own classrooms, we stay on the cutting edge of best instructional approaches. By doing this, we show that we’re not just offering ideas to assert leadership, but because we are genuinely committed to learning and growing alongside them.

During the Lesson

I don’t sit behind my laptop for the entire observation. To me, that feels too disconnected. Instead, I move around the classroom, listen to what students are saying, and coach the teacher in real time. This is where curiosity plays a vital role. Thinking together in the moment, asking questions (What are your thoughts about what the students are doing now?), and staying engaged with what’s happening in the classroom allows me to provide feedback that is immediate and relevant. It’s about being present and open to what the teacher is thinking and doing, rather than waiting for the lesson to end before offering insights.

In The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, Dethmer, Chapman, and Klemp remind us: “A leader chooses curiosity and learning over defensiveness and being right” (p.31). This guiding principle is at the heart of my approach to leadership and coaching. By staying curious, I remain open to learning from the teacher as much as they learn from me.

After the Lesson

Timely feedback matters. Why make a teacher wait to hear your thoughts? Learning and growth should never be a secret.

If I can’t meet with a teacher immediately after a lesson—which I find to be the most impactful time—I make it a priority to send a voice note via the Voxer app. This ensures I can provide timely, thoughtful feedback, even if we can’t meet in person right away. When we do meet, I guide the conversation with questions like:

What did you notice about student learning? This encourages teachers to focus on student outcomes, which is central to effective teaching.

What surprised you about the lesson? This question invites teachers to reflect on unexpected moments, fostering curiosity and awareness of both successes and challenges.

How did your students respond to the task? This shifts the focus to student engagement and feedback, encouraging teachers to think about how their instruction impacted students.

What shifts, if any, would you make next time? This promotes continuous improvement by asking the teacher to consider adjustments and refinements for future lessons.

These questions invite the teacher to stay curious about their own practice and the learning process, prompting reflection and continuous improvement.

Moving Forward

Reflecting on that moment with the veteran teacher, I realized that what changed wasn’t just him—it was me. Over time, I’ve learned that leadership isn’t just about giving direction. It’s about creating space for curiosity, staying present, and fostering growth in both ourselves and others. It’s about listening deeply, asking the right questions, and continuously learning. It’s about taking those ‘check-the-box’ moments and transforming them into meaningful, authentic experiences.

So I ask you: What kind of leader do you want to be?

Be the leader your team needs. 

Choose curiosity over certainty. 

Embrace growth over being right. 

Lead with the intention of making a difference in the lives of others. That is where the true impact exists.