There are several aspects about education that ignite my passion and inspire me to reflect on the leader I am continuously becoming. My primary focus lies with the most important stakeholders in our schools: our kids. Regardless of the role you are gifted to serve in, if you are in education, you are a leader for kids and we all know that they are watching us closely. That said, as educators and leaders who are dedicated to serving your kids and community, you cannot be good for your colleagues and kids unless you can truly see yourself and others. 

As I reflect on the trajectory of my career, some of the best relationships I have formed are with the people who made me feel truly seen. The interactions that have felt most important were the ones where others saw something in me that I wasn’t able to see in myself. In the book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks, he shares the following, “There is something in being seen that brings forth growth. If you beam the light of your attention on me, I blossom. If you see great potential in me, I will probably come to see great potential in myself.”

I have served in many roles from classroom teacher to reading specialist to instructional coach before stepping into a formal leadership role. However, I learned most about myself and others in the coaching role as it gave me the opportunity to walk through the halls of several buildings, step into classrooms that were filled with a range of teaching personalities and approaches, and help others feel seen. Learning how to navigate them took patience, care, and deep reflection of who I was and who I wanted to be. It is crucial to acknowledge that, on my path to leadership, I’ve encountered moments of imperfection, making mistakes and falling short in ensuring others felt truly seen.

Before I proceed, allow me to provide Jim Knight’s definition of coaching, “Instructional coaches partner with teachers to help them improve teaching and learning so students are more successful. To do this, coaches collaborate with teachers to get a clear picture of current reality, identify goals, pick teaching strategies to meet the goals, monitor progress, and problem solve until the goals are met.”

Stepping into a formal leadership role, my commitment was and continues to be leading with a coaching mindset, aiming to be the kind of leader I myself needed. Reflecting on my experiences as an educator and coach, a crucial realization emerged – seeing each other first as human beings is the foundation for feeling truly seen. Past encounters highlighted  challenges with some top-down feedback I had experienced, often hindering rather than facilitating learning conversations and failing to create a sense of being seen. In alignment with Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall’s insights on work performance (2019), “Telling people what we think of their performance doesn’t help them thrive and excel, and telling people how we think they should improve actually hinders learning.” 

As I navigate my leadership journey, I am going to share two ways of leading people to feel truly seen.

1. Illuminating Through Questioning: David Brooks shares the following: In every crowd there are diminishers and illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen…Illuminators on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others” (pp.11-12). My instructional coaching background guides me as a leader. I genuinely appreciate and understand that every one of us possesses valuable expertise, emphasizing the necessity of avoiding the inclination to act like experts. For example, this week, I was asked to join a meeting to discuss some potential curriculum work that needed to be done and I needed to gain more of an understanding about why. Approaching conversations as a thought partner involves curiosity and strategic questioning, like asking:

• What curriculum supports are currently in place?
• What is going well?
• Where are areas we can strengthen our work in helping all students access the curriculum?

These questions illuminate underlying issues and empower collaborative decision-making. In a recent meeting, this approach uncovered a vital root cause that needed addressing before delving into curriculum discussions. Illuminators refrain from making decisions for others, fostering an environment where partners listen to and respect each other. This commitment to curiosity and collaborative decision-making is at the core of helping people feel truly seen.

2. Supporting Instead of Shifting: Have you ever recognized how many people you have approached with a story or problem and instead of actively listening to you and helping you feel seen, they shift the response back to themselves. Allow me to briefly define a shift response and support response:

Shift Response: Diverting the conversation to ourselves (often unintentionally). We shift to topics that center around us and provide information for the same. These responses are a hallmark of conversational narcissism.

Support Response: An effort to focus your attention on what the other person has to say, allowing you to seek information and understand the other person better. Here you encourage an individual to tell their story.

Real Scenario

Teacher Problem: I’m struggling to manage my workload, and it’s impacting my ability to provide timely feedback to students. Shift Response: Leader: Oh, I totally get it. When I was in the classroom, my workload was insane. I had to balance so many things. It’s just part of the job, you know? Support Response: Leader: I appreciate you bringing this up. It’s crucial for us to address workload challenges. Can you share more about the specific aspects of your workload that feel overwhelming? Let’s discuss potential strategies or adjustments that could help streamline your tasks and ensure you can provide timely feedback to students.

Strive to be intentional in your conversations, choosing support over a shift. When someone opens up about their experiences or challenges, make a conscious effort to truly listen, make them feel seen, and seek to understand. 

Moving Forward:

Let’s commit to being leaders who embrace a coaching mindset and the transformative power of being seen. As we journey through leadership, may we be illuminators, fostering genuine connections by asking thoughtful questions and offering authentic support. Remember, in the words of David Brooks, “If you beam the light of your attention on me, I blossom. If you see great potential in me, I will probably come to see great potential in myself.”